by Caroline

Guided meditation by Caroline from 9-day Deep Healing Retreat August 5, 2023

(transcript)

I want to speak about and reflect on self-esteem.

Of course, the self is always worthy of utmost esteem, infinite esteem, boundless respect. And yet we forget this and it comes out in various ways. It’s so ingrained and pervasive to get our esteem from external things that we often don’t see all of the things we do that are meant to get us that external hit of approval.

As little ones we relied, for our survival, on the approval, on the regard, on the care of our parents. So very early on we all began to contort ourselves, you could say, into a version of ourselves that would get us the approval, the attention, the love that we so needed as little ones. And so we begin to turn our antenna outwards and we begin to be able to read very subtle signals coming from our parents and our teachers and anyone who is caring for us and we learn to adapt our behavior and eventually even our beliefs to conform.

And so the first thing I want to say is that whatever we did to create this alternate self, this conditioned self, this ego, was a form of intelligence and so let’s not add insult to injury by making the ego wrong.

At the same time, this tendency to look outside of ourselves for approval and also to have this constant narrative around ‘does this person like me’, ‘do they not like me’, there’s this constant vigilance around whether or not you are meeting or matching the other person in such a way that you feel valid.

One, it’s extremely draining of our energy. Two, you might have noticed that all of the efforts to be what the world and what everybody else wants you to be has failed miserably. I mean, It works about 50 percent of the time and this is why we continue to do it. And as long as we are trying to get the approval of our partner, of our parents, of our culture, of our community, of our family, of our friends, it will be exhausting, disappointing and ultimately unsuccessful.

In a way, it’s kind of right when low self-esteem shows up, when we question ourselves. It’s kind of right and good that that happens because the self that shows up is the ego. To me when questions around self-esteem show up, it’s actually a sign that the soul is coming forth to bring forth and to birth the true self, that self that does not need external approval or validation because it knows it is one with the whole.

So this tendency to ask ourselves constantly either in a very obvious way or even it can be very subconscious, ‘did I say the right thing’, ‘did I do the right thing’, this is what I mean by self-esteem issues. Questioning ourselves. Whereas from the soul’s perspective you can miss the mark again and again in terms of what you say and do and there’s still this knowing that this is just part of the journey and there’s an unfathomable ocean of love supporting this human journey that we’re on where we will miss the mark, where we will do things that make others unhappy, but from the place of the soul we know that that’s not our issue, it’s theirs.

So I suppose I’m speaking about this now because as we go back out into the world and we show up maybe a little bit differently than we were before we came, or maybe live a little bit differently, we are trying to perhaps find new ways of expressing and caring for ourselves, it’s important to recognize that tendency to look outside of ourselves for people who maybe feel as enthusiastic about what we’re doing, or that approve of what we’re doing and if you’re waiting for that you’ll wait for ever.

You must hold your own self in the highest esteem and that’s all that matters. And the thing is other people are actually extremely inspired by that. that’s was sparks the desire to grow and to flourish as souls and as human beings.

Often times when we begin on a journey of spiritual growth and taking care of ourselves physically there is that tendency to want to convince other people of what we’re doing, of how right it is, or wanting people to do it along with us. Having done that myself I would highly encourage you to let all of that go.

You may do it anyways, sometimes you have to try things and obviously you want to talk about some of the things that you’ve learned and if other people seem interested, then wonderful, share it, but if you get either resistance or there’s no real spark there, then let it go, there’s no need to convince anyone. Use that energy to fuel your own self care. When I looked at those tendencies myself early on in my journey, when I looked at them very closely, I recognized that all of those efforts to change other people was coming form my own lack of self-esteem and insecurity really.

You also might find yourself feeling sometimes very inspired by any new things that you bring into your life that were nurtured along through our time together. Sometimes it might feel hard to do it, you might feel resistance and that’s not because you’re doing anything wrong, it’s just that the old habits, particularly when you go back to your own life, don’t always let go easily especially if they’re tied into the avoidance of difficult emotions.

And so part of the whole self-esteem, is taking care of the whole self: to esteem your body, to esteem the intelligence of your emotional being, to esteem your soul, your spirit, by slowing down and listening. It’s all there in the word isn’t it? Self-esteem, meaning that it comes from within not from outside. That being it said, it is really helpful to get support from like-minded people and resources and we at ClearBeing are always here to support you in any way that you need.

Sometimes as the soul is really lifting off it’s sort of like a rocket ship, where the first part of it there needs to be a lot fuel, a lot of support, a lot of energy put into that, but once it hits a certain height it just moves effortlessly.

Self-esteem is also trusting your intuitive self, your soul voice, to show you what pieces are appropriate and doable in your current life as it is, that trying to do everything all at once can be basically the ego grabbing a hold of everything and trying to be perfect, so really trusting that a little bit at a time, if that’s the way it unfolds for you is absolutely perfect.

So checking in, I’m feeling an energy stirring in the heart and the throat. It’s possible that the words and the sentiment that I’m transmitting has stirred up some energy. That too is self-esteem, it’s esteeming the intelligence of the energy body as it brings forth and liberates any energies that are ready to be released.